Franch Dressing Recipe

Settling into bed last Sunday, I couldn't wait to let the warm glow of the television deliver the much anticipated meth-filled hijinks of Walt and Jesse.* Now I'm all for the blue stuff, but imagine my surprise when it opened with something I could actually relate to—sauce!

*As the doomed Herr Schuler depressingly dipped his tots in one sauce after another devised by the scientists of the Madrigal super foodlab, there was one that really intrigued—Franch. I was all over that like Walt on ricin.

Respecting the chemistry, I needed to mix half French dressing with half ranch, but while I already had a handle on the ranch, I needed to formulate a proper French first.

The oddly bright red, sugary, and tangy French dressing was a requirement in my youth if forced to consume unpalatable lettuce. It came as no surprise that the kid-friendly strongholds of sugar and ketchup formed the base of this dressing, while onion and vinegar play heavily as well, and small amounts of Worcestershire, paprika, and garlic powder add some depth. I also added some mayonnaise into this recipe to make a creamy version, but if omitted, it'd simply be regular old French.

My creamy French dressing hit all the notes that made me love it as a child, and the fact that I found myself enjoying this more than most other dressings that more commonly adorn my salads, I knew it had reached a purity level high enough to be moved forward to the union with ranch to form Franch.

The resulting sauce was pretty much what you'd expect these two dressings mixed together would taste like. The French lent a sugary ketchup and onion flavor, while the ranch influence was distinctly herbal, and both respective tangs made that "zing" the dominant trait. All-in-all, it was pleasant and well suited for the dipping of fried potatoes, although it fell a little short of electrifying.